I was asleep by 9 p.m. the first few days after Round 1 of Folfox because I couldn't stay awake, and then asleep by 10 or 11 the days after that because it seemed healthy and prudent. Now it's almost 1 a.m. the night before Round 2, and I just don't want to get in bed and let the day end.
I was surprised and glad to see the side effects recede as the days passed this last week. The prickling hands faded, the freezer was no longer an enemy, I could eat. And I'm just not looking forward to having them all come back and worse.
People keep talking about this as a battle, like in the obituaries when they talk about fighting a brave battle against cancer. And I guess I should think that way too, as though the chemo is battling on my behalf, destroying cancer cells and "beating" the disease. It's hard not to think of it instead as a poison pill, something that tears down the body so that you're whispering to the bad cells "You don't really want to be here. Not worth your while. Take over some place else."
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